In Earnest
by kaydee falls
Summary: Pendrell's rambling thoughts that ill-fated night at the Headless Woman Club...


TITLE: In Earnest  
AUTHOR: kaydee falls  
CLASSIFICATION: S. not quite UST, a little A.  
RATING: PG-13 for some language  
SUMMARY: Pendrell's rambling thoughts that ill-fated  
night at the Headless Woman Pub  
SPOILERS: Tempus Fugit/Max especially, some Nisei/731  
DISTRIBUTION: Yes, please, but tell me where its going.  
DISCLAIMER: nope, not mine, none of em. Talk to CC et  
al at 1013.  
  
THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT FANFIC. HELP ME OUT HERE.  
Send feedback (please!) to HPTFalien@aol.com. Unless  
you hated Pendrell's guts and rejoiced at his death; in  
that case, just don't even read the story.  
-----------------------------------  
The Headless Woman Pub  
Washington, D.C.  
Not long after February 23, 1997  
  
I think I might be drunk. The world is getting a  
little hazy, and I'm having trouble lifting my glass  
of beer. On the other hand, I hear myself making small  
talk with a waitress, and I don't think my voice is  
slurred.  
  
Well, another beer should do it.  
  
Damn, I hate drinking alone. Actually, I'm not much of  
a drinker in general, but every now and then I make an  
exception. Like when I'm alone. And thinking too hard.  
About her.  
  
What day is it? I'm not sure any more. It must be a  
couple of days after her birthday. I haven't seen her  
in almost a month now. I've taken to almost never going  
home, out of hope that she'll walk into my lab and ask me  
to run a test on some tissue samples, or maybe another  
weird microchip. Or maybe just to say hey there, Pendrell,  
how you doing, want to come over to my place tonight --  
  
Yeah, right. Dream on. Have another drink.  
  
It's not like I have anything to go home to. Or anyone.  
  
Think about something else. There's that test tube  
Fuller and Caleca sent me for analysis this morning. I  
think I've determined that it doesn't match the blood  
sample of their suspect, but there are certainly some  
odd similarities in unusual areas. I should probably  
run the tests a few more times to make sure. You never  
know what will turn up if you probe deeply enough. Like  
that bizarre chip Agent Scully brought me last year....  
  
Shit. There I go again. But it was one of my first times  
meeting her. The first time she had asked me to do  
anything for her, anyway. And wow, what an amazing device  
that was. But not half so amazing as the woman who  
brought it to me.  
  
I mean, Scully is just -- I don't know. Indescribably  
breathtaking. She has this red hair that just glows, and  
a figure that makes you just want to reach out and touch  
her, and if you can get her to smile -- God. I would have  
done anything for her. From the start. Redheads should  
stick together, right? That was the excuse I made for  
myself as I analyzed her microchip, or whatever the hell  
it was. I thought I must have impressed her, too, with  
the vast stores of knowledge I've hoarded through the  
years of schooling and training. The vast stores of  
knowledge that got me my assignment at the FBI's  
Sci-Crime Lab, despite my youth.  
  
The vast stores of knowledge that failed to impress her  
beyond professional interest.  
  
But I didn't realize that until later. The first encounter  
I had with her, I kept my cool. I was not struck dumb by  
her beauty and just -- her. The second encounter, after  
I called her to tell her the results of my continued  
examination of the chip, I was doing pretty well, too.  
As long as I was only talking about the results.  
  
Then she told me I'd done well, and to keep up the good  
work, and turned the force of her small smile on me.  
That's when I was struck dumb.  
  
Let's face it. When it comes to small talk with Scully,  
I'm a total doof.  
  
And then, to top it all off, I meet her partner.  
  
I smile bitterly to myself, taking another swig of beer.  
That wasn't strictly accurate. I had met him already, he  
came to me for some small assistance a few times before  
I met Scully, and of course everyone knows Spooky Mulder.  
But I hadn't really -- MET him met him, if you know what  
I mean. I had always been sort of indifferent towards him.  
It wasn't until the two of them together came to me that  
the realization hit me: SHIT.  
  
He's her PARTNER.  
  
And from all accounts, they work WELL together. REALLY  
well. And, when I looked at him again, I realized that  
he's pretty good-looking. Intelligent, no doubt, he went  
to Oxford. And devoted to her.  
  
That was obvious immediately. I can't even remember why  
they needed me that day, I was so focused on just  
watching them, jealously. The way he would defer to her  
in an area that she had more expertise. The way he stood  
just behind her, like a bodyguard or something, ready to  
jump to defend her should the need arise. The way he kept  
glancing at her, gazing at her, when she didn't notice.  
The way he shut up immediately when she lightly touched  
his arm, after he was starting to argue with my findings  
on whatever.  
  
The way I had to struggle, so hard, to keep her attention  
on me as I recounted my results and conclusions, trying  
to out gaze him, keep her eyes mine.  
  
Thanks, Pendrell, she said when I had finished. Keep  
us posted if you find anything more.  
  
I replied, and promptly gave myself a mental  
smack on the head for lack of creativity.  
  
She flashed me a small smile -- oh, that smile -- and  
turned to go. I watched her back dreamily, having  
forgotten everything else in the glory of that little  
smile. Then, abruptly, I was aware of Mulder's sharp  
gaze on me.  
  
He started to follow her out, hand not quite touching  
the small of her back to direct her, when he murmured  
something I didn't catch and turned back to me. She  
nodded imperceptibly and continued walking, out the door  
and down the hall.  
  
You don't think there's anything more to be found in  
this sample, do you? he asked me.  
  
Well, no, not really, but you never know, I thought...  
I heard myself stutter, and stopped abruptly. No, I  
didn't think there was anything to be gleaned in this  
aspect of their case.  
  
You could have just told us that, Mulder said, eying  
me intently. Why did you pretend that you might be able  
to find more information? We deal in dead ends, more  
often than not.  
  
I don't know what you mean, I told him. But I was  
getting a little uncomfortable.  
  
I never noticed before how...eager you are to please,  
Pendrell, he said, voice dangerously soft. You've  
always been very blunt with me, when it comes to proving  
one of my theories wrong. Why the sudden change of heart?  
  
He had struck close to home, and he knew it. Just doing  
my best to help out your investigation, I said, lamely.  
I was reminded, at the time, of a high school senior who  
had warned an insignificant freshman off his girlfriend.  
These little questions made me feel the same as  
I had at fourteen.  
  
It wouldn't offend Scully to know that this particular  
piece of evidence isn't going to give us any new leads,  
Mulder said, backing off his intensity a little. I know  
you've helped us much as you can on this case, and that  
you'll help us again in the future, to the best of your  
abilities. But you shouldn't feel you have to be as  
involved in our cases as Agent Scully and I are.  
  
-Why doesn't he ever call her Dana?- I wondered. -I like  
to think of her as Dana, sometimes. Agent this and Agent that...sometimes, it all seems so impersonal. Cold.-  
  
And yet, recently, you always try to appear very involved, Mulder continued. You're so eager. So in earnest.  
  
I smiled at that, suddenly, almost bitterly, reacting to  
an irony he doesn't catch. I understand you, Agent  
Mulder, I said, stressing his name, but if you don't  
mind, I'd liketo get back to my work now.  
  
He left then, and never really brought up the subject of  
my again. I guess he judged me as no threat  
to his territory, to his Dana Scully. Every now and then,  
when she's not there, he pokes fun at my admiration of her.  
Damn, I hate that.  
  
Another beer. How long have I been here?  
  
Last call, folks! The bartender. All right, I've been  
here a while then. Must be late. I start to stand, and  
realize, okay, NOW I'm drunk. So I sit back down. Just  
need a few minutes to get my bearings again. I close my  
eyes to reorient myself, and see her face, vividly. Damn.  
I put a hand to the pocket of my pants, and feel the  
envelope in there. I'll give it to her when I see her --  
whenever that is.  
  
And, to my amazement, she's here. Immediately, my tongue  
ties in knots and my gaze becomes even less focused than  
before. Shit, shit, she's gonna walk right by me, she  
doesn't see me sitting here at the bar....  
  
I reach out a hand and gently turn her towards me. Hey!  
Birthday girl! I say, beaming goofily I'm sure.  
  
She looks at me with her bottomless blue eyes, smiles  
slightly. I'm in heaven. Heaven. Agent Pendrell, how are  
you doing?  
  
My spirits, aided by the beer, drop abruptly, although I  
don't alter the expression on my face.-So formal. Why is  
she always so formal with me?-  
  
I — I have something for you, I stutter, hopefully  
comprehensibly. Where have you been? Oh, shit. Now I  
sound like a pathetic loser. Like I've been just sitting  
at the bar waiting for her to show up. Well, I guess I  
have, but still.  
  
I've been, uh, gone, she says vaguely. -She can tell me.  
She can trust me. Why can't she trust me? I'd do anything  
for her.-  
  
I say. -What sort of response is that, moron?- Can  
I buy you a drink? -Stupid, stupid. The best you can come  
up with is a pick up line? Oh shit, I sound like a drunken  
fool. Well, that's what I am.-  
  
No, you know what? she says, embarrassed. That's okay.  
I'm with somebody.  
  
PLUNK. That was the sound of my heart hitting the floor.  
-Say something intelligent!- a voice in the back of my  
mind hisses.  
  
I say intelligently. -Real smooth,- the voice tells  
me, disgusted. I glance over to her table, and see her  
date, and feel very surprised that it's not Mulder.  
Somehow, I force a chuckle. Let me buy him a drink too,  
I add gallantly. -Better. Be noble.-  
  
No, you know what? It's okay, she says again. Suddenly,  
I understand the meaning of the word crestfallen.' I'm it.  
  
So, of course, I start babbling. No, no, no, I insist,  
I insist, I say, just in case she hadn't yet realized I  
was drunk. Hell, I could use another drink now anyway.  
Bartender, bartender! Set me up with, uh, a couple of,  
uh, birthday girl drinks here. I can feel my face turn  
bright red. Am I doing well tonight, or what? I see Dana  
sigh and walk to her table. -At least she's letting me  
buy her drinks now. That's something.-  
  
The bartender's with me now. Can I have a couple of  
your finest beers, skip the glasses, and another one of  
these... I break off, and study the now-empty glass in  
front of me. I finish lamely. The bartender  
rolls his eyes, but gets me what I ask for. Can't wait  
to see my tab tonight.  
  
I start crossing over to the table where Dana and her  
date -- a man I've never seen before, wonder where she  
found him -- are sitting. It takes all my concentration  
to stay steady on my feet and not drop the beers.  
Suddenly, this concentration is broken by Dana Scully's  
shout.  
  
Get down! she yells, whipping out her gun. Her date  
whirls to look behind him, and in my moderately drunken  
state, so do I. I hear a gunshot fired, and suddenly time  
stops.  
  
One of the bottles I am carrying shatters.  
  
-How did that happen?- I wonder distractedly. I hardly  
realize that I'm falling until I hit the ground. -Oh,-  
I think.  
  
Everything around me is hazy -- sights, sounds, feelings.  
I'm aware of a sense of confusion, panic maybe, screaming?  
I'm not sure. I think my chest hurts -- yes. There's  
pain. Like fire. And it's hard for me to breathe. I don't  
know why.  
  
-So this is what it feels like to get shot.-  
  
-Why can't I breathe?-  
  
A face looms into view. Scully. Dana. The bullet must  
have missed my heart, because I think its going to burst  
with all the things she doesn't know about me that I want  
to tell her.  
  
You're going to keep breathing, Pendrell, she says. -No  
no no no stop being formal with me please make it personal  
the envelope in my pocket....- Do you hear me? she  
demands. I try to nod. She's so...earnest. -Anything,  
Dana. Anything.-  
  
She undoes my tie and pulls my shirt open. I don't want  
to see what she sees. Tears are forming in her eyes when  
she looks at me. Scared. -I'm scared, too....-  
  
Someone says something, and she looks up quickly, I think  
she says something to me but I can't hear, she's going  
away. -No stop Dana I have something to give you....-  
  
Things are happening all around me, and I'm terrified at  
how disoriented I'm becoming. Other people are leaning  
over me, her date is there, I don't even care. All I care  
about is Dana.  
  
Time passes, I don't know how long, maybe an hour, maybe  
a minute. I can't tell any more. Suddenly she's here  
again, pressing something against the part of my chest  
that's on fire. -She's going to put out the fire. I'm on  
fire but she's here she's going to put it out....-  
  
We've got paramedics on the way, she tells me. I think  
I might be nodding, yes, I understand, it's a big fire  
and they need paramedics to put it out. You're going to  
the hospital. You're going to be okay. -I probably have  
third degree burns from the fire in my chest, that's why  
I need to go to the hospital, the bullet must have set my  
chest on fire, that's funny, I don't remember ever  
learning that bullets set you on fire.-  
  
she whispers, we still haven't celebrated my  
birthday, Pendrell. I'm not going to let you off the hook  
like this. I try to laugh, to reassure her, but I can't  
laugh and breathe at the same time. I promised her I would  
keep breathing. I want to tell her....  
  
But she's standing up again, leaving me again. -Don't leave  
me. I have to tell you....Someone's taking my gun no stop  
it's mine oh he's giving it to Dana all right that's all right....Dana....-  
  
Something is strapped around my face, I can feel it, and  
I'm being lifted, carried away from her. -NO!- I scream   
silently. -I need to give her something, it's her  
birthday...-  
  
I feel myself being put in an ambulance, there are people  
all around me but none of them is her....  
  
-She was so earnest....earnest....I never told her....she  
doesn't know....-  
  
Tired. So tired. It's so hard to think, to breathe, to  
put out the fire. -I'm so sorry Dana.- Everything is  
fading away. -I've never broken a promise before.-  
  
A cemetery  
Washington, D.C.  
Two weeks later  
  
It's March already, but it's still cold. The wind in  
the cemetery chills one to the bones. A solitary woman  
ignores this, picking her way delicately through the  
gravestones until she reaches the newest one. It's small  
and neat, nothing showy, just like Pendrell always was.  
  
She pulls the envelope out of the pocket of her black  
trench coat. One of the nurses at the hospital had given  
it to her.  
  
she had said quietly. It was in the back pocket  
of his pants. It's addressed to you. A beat. I'm sorry.  
  
Numbly, she had taken it, seen the name Dana Scully  
scrawled on the front. And she had carried it around  
with her ever since. But she hadn't opened it. Nor had  
she told Mulder about it. But now, standing in front of  
his grave, she carefully slit the envelope.  
  
There was a card inside. A cheesy birthday card. Inside,  
he had scrawled, It's your birthday, let's stop being  
formal for once. And signed his name.  
  
I never knew your first name, she whispered, tracing  
the inscription on the cold stone marker with one gloved  
finger.  
  


In Loving Memory  
of  
Ernest Pendrell  


------------------------------  
thanks for reading....  
feedback goes to HPTFalien@aol.com. PLEASE, constructive  
criticism only, no hate mail, I'm new at this so bear with me!


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